Not So Hazardous
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: All Eveline ever wanted was a family. It was her most fervent desire, her most cherished wish. All she ever longed for. So, if one were to be offered to her, would she not jump at the opportunity? Not so Hazardous, indeed! Part of the Not Going Home Series! Spoilers for Resident Evil 7! Fluff, humor, and a sappy little story. ONESHOT.


**A/N: HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! HERE'S A LITTLE GIFT FOR YOU ALL!**

 **AHOY!** **SPOILERS FOR RESIDENT EVIL 7: BIOHAZARD AHOY!**

 **This is my LAST new story for the foreseeable future, after this it'll be strictly updates on a weekly basis for the rest of my fics. I won't be posting anymore new stuff until I've at least finished some of them. Also, I feel I should let ya'll know this is a ONESHOT.**

 **One chapter only, meant to introduce *SPOILER* Eveline into the insanity that is Naruto's family.**

 **I rather think she'd like that, all things considered.**

 **So! Resident Evil 7! That's a thing! And its bloody terrifying! Seriously, scares abound! Yet despite all that, I couldn't help but feel sorry for the villain. I mean, the poor thing was created as a weapon and she just wanted to have a family. YES she went about it the wrong way, and YES she caused immense pain and death in pursuit of that, but at the end of the day, she just wanted what everyone else had. That's not wrong, is it?**

 **To want a family?**

 **When you think about it, Eveline was screwed every which way from the beginning and she didn't have a chance to be anything more. Putting her insane growth rate and insanity aside, she was used and abused by everyone she knew, and screwed over at every opportunity.**

 **So when the request for this crossover came, I knew I had to take up the torch.**

 **So now, I present...**

 **...NOT SO HAZARDOUS!**

 **This meant SOLELY to make you smile, dear reader, and give someone closure.**

 **So!**

 **Here we be!**

 **Remember, this is FIRMLY a oneshot and COMPLETE, introducing a certain little girl to the mad cadre that is Naruto's family...**

 **Kudos to TFS for their amazing lines as ever!**

 _"Well, that settles it! I'm keeping you!"_

 _~?_

 **Family**

 _Well, Naruto!_

 _You've really stepped in it this time, haven't you?_

 _All things considered, I'm pretty sure I brought this on myself._

 _Let's play Resident Evil, Naruto! No, better yet! Lets go just saunter on **into** the game and FUCK with things! Better yet, let's go and kidnap a little girl! Okay. That sounded all kinds of wrong. Now, before you grab your torches and pitchforks, hear me out! Its not like that, I swear! Good intentions abound! I felt bad for Eveline's ending, so I decided to do something about it the only way I knew how. I mean, I've kidnapped characters from video-games before and gotten away with it. What, did you think there would be consequences? Repercussions?_

 _HA!_

 _I spit in the face of consequence!_

 _I am a fuck-mothering god._ _I've killed a lot of people to get this title, so if I want to abuse my powers for the sake of others, then I can damn well abuse them as I please! If I want to give a lonely little lass a home, a FAMILY, and you still think me a monster for it, then you've got some screwed up values._

 _Me?_

 _I REGRET NOTHING!_

* * *

 _(...Somewhere Over the Ocean...)_

* * *

 _"Boop."_

Eveline blinked.

That was all she could think to do as a clawed, bloody finger bopped her on the nose, trailing a thin red line in the corner of her vision. Apparently satisfied with whatever they'd done, her captor turned and strode away from her circling her like a starving shark would a wounded minnow. She followed the stranger with a cautious look, simultaneously repressing a shiver as a fresh sheet of rain lashed against her small body. A dark peal of thunder rumbled overhead through the black skies above, punctuated by a dazzling burst of lightning.

If her captor was at all affected by the inclement weather, he did precious little to show it.

Unbidden, a whimper escaped her lips.

"I'm terribly sorry about all this, Evie," the stranger drawled, pausing to look at her. "I'd hoped to avoid violence...seems it just wasn't in the cards."

Evie didn't know him; didn't recognize those stark blue eyes, his wild blond hair, nor the strange whiskers lining his cheeks. His tattered lab coat made him _look_ like a scientist, but that might've been a disguise. Even as she looked that battered white garment seemed to roil and shift in the breeze, becoming a flaring black cloak. Then those torn garments beneath morphed as well, molding into seamless orange-white robes. Now he just looked silly, she thought. How were you supposed to walk around like that?

Most baffling of all were the cruel, curved, crimson horns now jutting from his head.

"Ah," he groaned, stretching. "Much better. I forget how _exhausting_ it is to masquerade as a mortal these days. It's so tiring to pretend to be something you're not. Wouldn't you agree?"

Try as she might, her body refused to move, not from fear, but because she couldn't. Her arms and legs simply refused to obey. It felt as if a giant hand had taken hold of her and squeezed, trapping her in place. Part of her wondered if she _should_ be afraid after all; she was completely and utterly alone, surrounded by countless corpses, trapped on a boat in the middle of the stormy seas, with nowhere to run. By all rights she should be _terrified,_ frightened out of her mind. Any sane person would have been.

But Eveline had never been one for sanity. If anything, she felt the slightest curiosity, now.

Who was he?

Why was he here?

Why had he killed everyone?

She wasn't able to _push_ him with her thoughts like she could everyone else, and that baffled her to no end. She'd grown used to simply willing others to do what she wanted, subtly directing them to do her bidding, but with him, it was like dashing herself against a cold barrier. Her influence crashed against the wall of his will to no effect. As she tried to probe his defenses something suddenly and abruptly pushed her _back. Hard._ For a terrifying heartbeat and she caught a frightening glimpse of cold oblivion, of white eyes glaring back at her. She retracted her mental tether with a yelp, startled to find that she would move again.

For all the good it did her.

Blue eyes the color of sapphire gems narrowed on her and she found her feet rooted again.

"Now, Evie." he chastised, "That's not very nice. We don't mind control friends."

"You're not my friend."

"Aren't I?"

He crouched before her, face to face.

"I'd like to be your friend, Evie." his voice was warm now, rising over the storm, nearly vibrating with reassurance. "I'm the closest damn thing you've got to family, right now." I'm Naruto. I've been waiting a long time to meet you. A very long time indeed." Chuckling softly he reached out and patted her head, mussing her dark hair with a scarred hand. "A girl who controls people with mold and messes with their minds. Haven't seen that before. You're very dangerous. Do you know that? Do you know why I'm here?"

Ah.

And there, it was.

 _Fear._

A serpent of dread coiled in her gut, twisting her stomach into knots. She'd watched him butcher everyone.

Tentatively, she managed a nod.

"You killed mommy."

Blue eyes tracked back to the corpses.

...I did not." the blond denied with a slow shake of the head. "I simply erased Mia's memories and sent her home." he explained in the face of Eveline's mounting confusion and anger. "She has a family of her own you know, a husband. You were trying to take her away from that. I, on the other hand, was being kind. So, no," he admonished, "that's not why I'm here, talking to you, and its certainly not why I killed the crew. Care to guess?"

Eveline stubbornly held her tongue, folded her arms, and looked away from him.

"Oh, don't be like that." Naruto soothed, smiling at her petulance. "I'm here to extend an invitation, of sorts."

Gently, he thumbed her face back towards him.

I want you to join _my_ family."

Evie blinked again.

A family.

"What?"

"I'm asking you to come with me, silly! Wasn't that obvious?" Naruto laughed, rising to his feet. "I'll even fix that mess with your genes and you aging rapidly. I can promise you that. All you have to do is take my hand, here, and everything will be alright. Deus Ex Machina at its finest." he beamed, extending a clawed hand. "So? Whaddya say?"

Eveline dithered, only vaguely aware of the storm, of the ship, now tearing itself asunder.

Family.

It had been her only desire, her most fervent wish for as long as she could remember. Before her first moment of waking, before the needles, before the pain began. Before the endless tests and the constant traveling, before the drugs, before...everything. She had seen others and wanted that for herself, longed for it. She'd wanted Mia to be her Mommy and for a time, she'd almost thought she would be. But now Mia was gone. She had been terrified of what she'd become, screaming at her, before she'd vanished. She didn't know how to find her, how to get off this boat, even. And if she did, she'd be lost in the storm. The ship was coming apart at the seams regardless, so a decision would soon be forced upon her in any event...

...but it was more than that.

He'd _asked_ her to be part of his family.

No one had ever asked her such a thing before.

In her heart of hearts, she simply couldn't understand it.

There was no deception in his words, not the slightest iota of deceit. She brushed up against his mind and was startled to find it open to her this time; to realize that he was sincere in his offer. Was it really that simple? Did she just have to say yes? Take his hand? And she'd have a family? All she ever wanted? Despite her suspicions, despite her innate distrust of humanity, a slight tremor went through her, and she found herself more and more open to the idea. What did she have to lose? Nothing. And everything to gain.

...you'd be my daddy?" she whispered, not trusting herself to shout.

His smile was like pure sunshine.

"Happily! Just don't get too crazy with the mold monsters. That's all I ask."

Face to face with a living deity, Eveline quietly made her decision.

...can we have a house?" she asked quietly. "Outside?"

Dark eyes gleamed brighter than any star.

"Sure thing. Wherever you want."

Tears brimmed in her eyes.

"And a Mommy?"

"Trust me," Naruto had to raise his voice to be heard over as the scaffolding came apart around them, "You'll have more than you know to do with. A _bunch._ Esdeath and the girls are going to _adore_ you." Absently, he raised a hand, deflecting a falling beam into the sea. "I promise. You'll have everything you could ever want and lack for nothing."

"Will I have brothers?" Evie's voice rose, unable to contain her excitement. "Sisters?"

"Tons."

With that, the last brick in her wall of resistance crumbled.

 _"Daddy!"_

She seized Naruto's larger hand then in both of her own and gripped it tight, startling herself with the sheer intensity of her grasp. A heartbeat later, the ground gave way beneath her feet as the ship finally succumbed to its many tears. For a second she wondered if she'd made a mistake, but impossibly something steadied her and she found herself standing upon thin air. Beneath her, the ocean liner yielded to the storm with a deep, sonorous groan, but Eveline couldn't have cared less.

"Can we go home, now?" she asked.

"Why, I thought you'd never ask."

Naruto grinned wolfishly down at her.

 _"Welcome to the family."_

 **A/N: Ta-da! A nice little oneshot to introduce Resident Evil's newest villain to Naruto's family. I sincerely hope you liked this little oneshot!**

 **So, in the Immortal Word of Altas...**

 **...Review Would You Kindly?**

 **R &R~!**


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